more gushing
back to gush more about my sweet guy. or, rather, how totally blown away i am by our connection. since i’ve had a crush on him for so long, its weird to actually have the feelings reciprocated. the love drugs are pickling my brain, causing me to think about little pink hearts, bubbles, puppies and rainbows. the hard part is remaining realistic and planted firmly on the earth. i am faced with reconciling my fantasy with what has become a new reality. he is so far, everything i knew he was and more. i knew he was smart, but im finding he is more gentle and sweet than i imagined. our connection is so mutual and beyond what i had imagined or hoped for. by finally giving up my will to god, things have naturally played out the way they were supposed to. for almost a year i had been asserting my will on this situation, wondering why, why not, is he into me, why hasnt he called etc., and got nothing but disappointment. about three months ago, i consciously worked on letting go of the situation and giving it over to my higher power. i dated other people, immersed myself in fellowship, and generally worked on myself. i had several dreams about him, but in them, he was always unavailable to me. my subconscious was working through letting go. i guess i held out a little hope, because i wasnt able to fully extinguish my longing. but i was much less obsessed with the situation, and feeling pretty healthy.
then….saturday happened. lingering after a meeting left us looking at the night sky. keyvan said the bright star was venus, adam said it was jupiter. i pulled up google sky view and proved adam was right. the three of us walked to the parking lot and keyvan said goodbye. adam went to hug me goodbye and the hug just lasted….and lasted…and lasted. the dopamine and oxytocin immediately turned my brain into mush. i felt dizzy. it seemed like an eternity. i pulled back for a moment and looked at him, completely dumfounded. we locked eyes and the kiss happened. i think i dropped whatever i was holding, keys, purse, whatever. i think i said, ‘ive been waiting for you to do that’, and we kissed a lot more. he asked me to come over, which i did where we continued making out and laughing and giggling and talking for the next 6-8 hours. we talked about everything from aliens and angels to our families and history. i havent smiled and laughed so much in one night. maybe ever. he gazed into my eyes and stroked my eyebrow with his thumb. he was nervous but very un-guarded. i didnt sleep very much and just enjoyed watching him sleep. he doesnt snore at all. he made me coffee in the morning and we spent more time watching the news and cuddling and talking. i finally pryed myself away, and he promised to call me later that night. and he did. we talked again today for a while. im off my socks about it all. just trying to keep a grip on reality.
